pain to joy

It's been a rough week.

We found out we were pregnant a few weeks ago. We purposely didn't announce it early. Glad we didn't.

I started feeling different early last week. I knew something was up, but tried to stay positive. A few days later, I went to the local, all-Chinese hospital. (There is an int'l hospital in Beijing, but is at least a 1.5 hour trek and is quite expensive.) I took a Chinese friend/believer/translator with me. The ultrasound results concluded there was no heartbeat. The doc said the baby was measuring smaller than the 10 weeks I thought I was. She suggested I come in again in a week to check again.
*Side note: During the ultrasound, there were 4 nurses in the room. Since they knew my friend spoke English, they started asking her how to say things in English. Then when we went to talk to the doc in her office, she started in with the same questions! I was quite frustrated to have to deal with this cultural faux pas at such a vulnerable and emotional time.

I was a wreck that day. I knew it was bad news even though the doc was holding out hope..trying to stay positive for my sake.

I wanted to know for sure what was happening. So Michael and I made the trek into Beijing (without Josiah--thanks to our wonderful team) to the international hospital. They were great; it felt like a hospital at home. (The Chinese hospital wasn't even close! But I won't go there right now.) After another ultrasound, the same results came back. Again, the doc wanted me to come back next week "just in case." But I knew it wasn't meant to be. Throughout the whole day, He had been pouring his peace on us. We knew that He had his reasons for taking the baby. We don't know why, but we know it was the best for us. We've been clinging to that.

Our team was wonderful and let us stay in Beijing for dinner (a treat!!) We ate at an Indian restaurant we've been drooling over for months. It was scrumptious. We're thankful for the alone time we got there. We're even more thankful for the joy that only He can give in a time like this.

Through this process, He has been pricking our hearts about our family. We love Josiah even more now. (Possible?!) We see having kids as a pure blessing. We hope He will continue to bless us with as many kiddos as He wants to give us. It's a scary thought (the Duggars...), but we know He won't give us more than we can handle....our wallets, my body, our sanity.

I'm thankful this painful process has brought me even more trust in my Father.

P.S. I'm not writing to ask for sympathy or a pity party; I know you care if you read this. I just needed to write it out.