Going Home: What I'm Afraid Of

We leave for America in 3 weeks. I'm excited! It's been 2 years, and although they've gone fast, it's nice to think we get to go home for an extended time. Home brings lots of comforts: family, friends, food, English, driving, cleanliness, etc. There's nothing like going back to where you grew up, right?

But I'm also starting to process all the things that have changed about my family and myself. If all that processing is even possible.

My boys don't even know where "home" is, except where Mommy and Daddy are. In one sense, that makes me sad because I think of America as their home. But really, Josiah has spent a whopping 1.5 years there, and Malachi has spent 4 months of his life there. However, I'm glad that they don't have one place to call home, because hopefully, as they grow older, they'll learn that this earth is not their home.

It's no secret that our first 2 years here were on the rough side (putting it lightly). However, the past 2 years, my world has changed. What has changed that? Also no secret: learning Chinese. I now feel like we can be here a while without me going insane. But besides the language, I've started to adapt to some of the Chinese traditions. I don't even think I know what all of them are until someone points them out, but I know they're there.

As I think of some of these things, and have conversations with friends and family about coming home, there are some legitimate (and some funny) fears arising. Here are some:

- I'm scared of large pieces of meat on my plate. No, I'm not becoming a vegetarian. But, my parents just told me what they ate at Applebee's (steak/potato, chicken dish) and a thought popped in my head: when was the last time I cooked or was served an entire chicken breast (beef is outta the question here)?! No answer. Chinese dishes are served with small pieces of meat and lots of veggies. I tend to cook one-pot meals due to my kitchen limitations. My kids will definitely freak if they see a huge piece of meat on their plate. So if you serve me a hunk o' meat, don't be offended if I stare at it for a while, wondering how to tackle the thing.

- I'm scared of all the bad things that can happen. This is a big one I've been dwelling on for a while. And, as a result, have had to give it up to the Father many times. I know it's not true, but it seems like there are more bad people, more bad things happening in America than here. I have never felt unsafe here. If I'm walking home alone at night (a short distance), I'm not afraid. If I'm out with the kids and they run around the corner where I can't see them, I'm not afraid. If while out in public, someone comes up to one of the kids and grabs their hand to walk with them, I'm not afraid. In general, people here (especially older people) look out for others' kids. However, in America, I'm going to have to put on my Eagle Eye Glasses. At all times. So, if I seem a bit over-protective, be patient. I'm just trying to find the balance between two worlds.

- I'm scared I won't fit in.  Have I changed that much in 2 years? I don't know. I do know my clothes are way out-of-date, but no use in keeping up with the trend (especially if the trends are hideous or provocative) if we're just coming back here in a matter of months. Have my world views and opinions changed a ton since living in a drastically different culture? Perhaps So, if I say something odd, inquire about it. There's probably something behind it.

- I'm scared of the grocery store. I am every time we come home. The store I shop at weekly is about 1/10th the size of your local grocery store. Not as many options. Get in, get out (unless there's a sale, then have fun waiting in line with 100 of your closes local friends). I buy my produce from a cart and none of it looks plastic. I mean, the cereal aisle alone is mind-boggling! Here, we have to order cereal off the internet, or we don't get it. So, if you see me in the store looking like a lost pup, reassure me to take it one aisle at a time.

- I'm scared my kids won't recognize family and friends. They won't. It's a fact. Especially if we haven't kept in close contact with you. My boys know lots of people here because they see them on a regular basis. When they start to see you on a regular basis, they'll know you too. So, if they seem shy or stand-offish, be patient and give them some space. They'll come around with time.

- I'm scared I'll gain tons of weight. For real. I wouldn't say I eat super healthy here, but I do eat tons of veggies (especially at a Chinese meal), get daily exercise (forced to walk or bike most places, but exercise none the less), and don't have as much access to bad-for-you foods unless I want to spend a small fortune. All of these things are turned upside down in America. I know it's my choice, but the temptations will be sky-high. I love to use the excuse, "But I haven't eaten this in 2 years! Better get some!" Yeah, not helpful. My goal: find a way to at least walk every day. Michael even said during the winter, do laps in the house. :) So, if you see me going for yet another junk food, gently remind me to take a few extra laps. :)

- I'm scared my kids will end up liking America more than China. I've seen it happen with so many other ex-pat kids. They can't wait to get home to America because China is this, this and this. And so not as cool. I want my boys to know that both places are our temporary homes. Both have their perks. Both have their tough parts. I just hope they don't see America as "all fun, all the time." I know we'll pack lots of fun stuff into a short amount of time, so it's very possible. So, if you're with my boys doing something awesomely fun, please enjoy yourself! But please also refrain from comparing it to less-exciting-in-that-way China.

- I'm scared I'll make lots of awkward cultural blunders. Like standing too close to the person next in line. Or pack my own groceries. Or drink hot water. Or take fruit over to our dinner hosts when they expected wine or a dessert (fruit isn't dessert??). Or take my shoes off at the door when no one else does. And so on. All of the above are oh so normal to us now. Will I remember to make the mental switch? So, if I commit one of these blunders, or you see me do something really weird, either laugh and ignore it, or inquire if that is something I've adapted to here...and give me lots of grace. (By the way, I'm sure my kids will make lots of cultural mistakes too. Be kind. I'm currently trying to teach Malachi it's not polite to hock a loogie to clear your throat like the local grannies do.)

I'm sure there are more, but these are what come to mind now. We so look forward to all the great things about America! But there are also some genuine fears that are helpful to know about so you don't think we're acting like aliens in our homeland. We're just as confused, too.