Here Goes Nothin'

So, to be honest, I've kind of been struggling with this whole One Word thing. I have a tendency to be flaky with things like this. When first seeing the challenge to choose a word, I immediately thought, "Not for me...my word would be a goner within the first few months, if not sooner." It seems as though lots of my friends are picking great words, have spent time thinking and petitioning over what their word should be, and have great reasons and stories for why they think this word was impressed on them.

Me? I may just be grabbing something from left field. Thankfully, we serve a Father who also covers left-fielders like me. 

When half-thinking what my word should be, I thought back over the year. That in itself was hard since I was a full-time student for 6 months of it, stayed overseas for the summer, and transitioned back into a stay-at-home-mom for the last 5 months. To me, that seems like 3 separate years.

However, a word popped in my head that could only come from Dad since I've barely spent any time pondering it. It comes from a lesson that is still painful to think about. Perhaps the hardest lesson I have had...am still having to learn. Making it even harder, it was my precious husband who confronted me and presented the issue...again. Sadly, this was the zillionth time he or someone else has brought this up in my life, in one way or another. Hopefully it will sink in this time.

So the issue? Time to be real...severe discontentment. Always wanting things my way. From my kids not doing things the way I wanted them to (do they make some of those messes on purpose?!), to not having the most comfortable home, to not having the perfect social life, to not being supermom like every other mom (or so I thought), to having expectation after expectation fail, and on and on and on.

It was a slap in the face. This dissatisfaction in nearly every facet of my life was digging a deep, deep hole in my heart. And I wasn't even seeing it. And it was leading to anger. And a bigger cycle of frustration and discontentment. Nothing was ever enough.

Since that crushing blow, the last several months have been an improvement. But nothing to where I'd like to be. Not even close. 

So, my word for 2014:

con·tent

² [kuhn-tent] 

adjective

1. satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.

2. British . agreeing; assenting.

3. Archaic. willing. 

Thanks, Dictionary.com. 

All 3 definitions above pierce something inside me. But willing hits something even deeper. Not only am I commanded to be content, He wants me to be willingly content. Not plastering a smile on my face through the annoying and frustrating situations that arrive daily in this opposite-of-me land, but looking up, knowing that the Father is on control, and letting go of my plans. Being readily content with His plans, even when they're completely opposite of my own. They are the best, after all, right? Yeah, that doesn't always sink down as far as it needs to. 

He wants me to let go of expectations. Oh boy, that's a biggie for me. I've always been one to expect a lot from myself (and hard on myself when I fail), and that often leaks into my relationships with others. And when others fail me, I subconsciously (or not so) give them a black check mark. Really? Is that was Jesus does with me? Shoot, if so, I should just tattoo a giant black check mark on my face. 

The word picture above represents the chaos that seems to be constantly surrounding me and the contentment I need to strive for. I have oh so many opportunities every single day to choose contentment over all the other unhelpful emotions. May this year be the year of giant leaps of improvement in this area!

Linking up with Velvet Ashes!

  
Ok, I've got to add this piece of randomness because it's too funny not to. As I'm typing this, my hubby is watching one of the Star Wars movies. No idea which one because I adamantly dislike them even though I've never seen more than 5 minutes of them. (Start judging, it's fine. I get hate words all the time for disliking such "classics.") Anyway, while writing this, I paused at a few different places to think and someone in the movie literally gave me the word I needed. Weird or what? No, I'm still not gonna watch them. The end.

On Turning 30

I'll start with a conversation with my oldest:

Me: Wanna help me open some birthday presents, bud?
Josiah: Sure, what are you gonna turn?
Me: {hesitantly} 30...
Josiah: Wow, you're that old, Mom?

That's what I kept thinking! I'm that old?! Really? Because I promise, in my head I'm maybe mid-20s. When did I get to the end of that decade and jump over to the new one? Ok, only 3 days ago, but still. I'm pretty sure I'll still be shocked when people ask my age and I have to sputter out "30."

Alright, alright. So I'm taking it kinda hard. Yes. I am. I can't actually pinpoint why, either. I had some things I wanted to accomplish by turning 30 that haven't happened yet, but I'm ok with those now. Maybe it's just the turn of a new decade. Soon 30-something will be flowing out of my mouth like it's nothin'.

Leading up to my birthday, I kept whining about the new number. Thanks to all of my dear friends who encouraged me. More than anything else, most wrote that the 30s are the most fun...most exciting...and that life only gets better. Really? I truly thought my college days were pretty darn awesome. But I think what's ahead may be a different kind of awesome.

 I will admit, though, I'm having a hard time foreseeing what could possibly be more exciting than getting married, having 2 adorable kids, and moving to a foreign land. I mean, we're gonna have to take up cliff jumping or something to keep the excitement levels up! 

To welcome me into a new era, my dear friends threw me a party, including burgers, coconut cream pie (FAVE), games, and presents. Pretty much a perfect way to celebrate!

Seriously amazing pie. For someone to tackle this in a land that doesn't carry half the ingredients was amazing!!

Christmas

Whoa, where did December go again? I feel like I was swallowed up by all the activities--in a good way. Actually, as I write this, I have to keep reminding myself that it will be a new year in 3 hours. Doesn't. even. feel. like. it. For real. Not even on my radar one bit. What is in my radar? Thailand. 2 weeks. Reunite with my parents and aunt we haven't seen in 1.5 years. More about that later.

So, Christmas was grand. Much better than last year, I'd say. Being in a place with a huge community has its pros and cons. I'd say Christmas is something you have to work for around here.

The students get one day off and some would rather just spend it alone, rejuvenating for the last few weeks of class looming ahead. Personally, I want people around me. The holidays are a little tough for me, and add into the mix no one beyond my hubby and kids, and I'm not a happy camper. That's what happened last year, and I was a little depressed. So, this year, I took matters into my own hands and made sure we had people to celebrate with! 4 awesome friends came over and camped out for the whole day. I loved it. Ok, I missed out on an afternoon nap, but other than that, loved it!

We exchanged gifts, ate brunch, played games, watched movies, ate a small Christmas dinner (which included home-cured ham, a first!), and enjoyed each other's company as our China family.

 What a great gift from our friends/neighbors! That's a sacrifice to share from such a precious stash. Funny thing is, Malachi's first time having it, he didn't like it. No worries--Josiah ate his share!

We realized all but 2 gifts this year were practical. These shades will get lots of good use come Thailand time! Let's hope they last with this crazy dude...

Hopeful this will come in handy while on our trek south!

New hooded towels made by Grammy. They even have their initials on the back! Too cute.

The Grove: Taste

                                  
Writing for The Grove: Taste

I've been thinking about this post all day as I scurried around the kitchen. Which dish would I write about? Oh, the pictures I could post!

I guess the Father had other ideas in mind. Like shattering my pride. Again.

For our Thanksgiving meal with 60+ others, I was in charge of rolls (boring and old hat to me b/c I make them so often), cornbread casserole (also kind of old hat..), and my challenge: banana cream pie with meringue.

I was going to write about the cornbread casserole. Our first year, I tried to make it and it wasn't like home. After 3 years of trials and mostly errors, I had finally gotten down a recipe. I now make it often for our family because it reminds us of home. Yum.

Then I stared making the pie. It took most of the day with all the steps and refrigeration periods. But when it was finished, it was beautiful. It reminded me of a local cafe at home that had mile-high meringue. The pride started to swell. Oh, the pics I would show to people! Oh, the comments I would get from people when they tasted it!

 

I wasn't quite sure how to transport it. Foil? No, the meringue would stick. So I opted for covering it with a bowl and focusing on walking carefully. Have I mentioned that our streets are now covered in thick, bumpy ice?

We made it to the gate of our complex and started the process of hailing a taxi. Near rush hour on a Friday. Great. My bowl looked a little uneven beneath the bag, so I decided to re-adjust. I started to fix it, then the whole pie plate slipped halfway out of my cold hands. And that was it. The meringue that was already sticking to the bowl and bag completely slid off and the rest of the pie was now a big mess.

Before I even knew what was happening, I burst into tears. My husband tried to help and comfort, and my sweet little boys just stood there watching, not sure why Mommy was so upset. A few locals walked by, wondering why the foreigner was crying so hard. (Later my oldest asked what was wrong. I told him I was upset that the pie fell apart. He sweetly told me, "We can fix it, Momma." :))

I finally gathered myself, we finally got a taxi, and made it to the dinner location. The failure was still fresh, so I tried to avoid talking to people. Especially anyone that had anything to be thankful for. I wasn't in the mood.

Then the Father started pricking my heart. I was so prideful about this silly pie. Sure, there's a balance between satisfaction in completing something and outright pride. Pretty sure He wanted me to know I was teetering on the wrong side of it.

I told a few people what happened. To soften the blow, they said they'd eat it anyway. After everyone had their fill of dessert, I finally unveiled the mess. Oh, it was a mess.

A few kind souls (including my hubby..way to go, babe) ate some. Not sure if it was to make me feel better or if they just really wanted pie. It really didn't taste bad, that is if you were able to find a way to get all the layers in one bite.

And so there it is. My hot mess of a pie. And another lesson in humility. Maybe this one will stick.

You know another lesson that needs to be learned, though? How to deal with failure. Wow, this has been a rough spot my whole life. Ask my mom. Going back to piano recitals--the first wrong note, I was in tears; slamming my tennis racquet when I kept losing points..on and on. How I wish I could be one of those people that just brushed or laughed off mistakes. 

Always "the Foreigner"

Last week, the boys and I went to school to serve lunch to hungry classmates. Always a joy.

It was cold and the ground is already frozen with a thick layer of bumpy ice, so I decided to take a taxi home. I usually stay on the same side of the 8-lane street to catch a taxi even though it takes longer to get home. That day, I decided to cross the giant street and try taking the shorter way home.

The wind was whipping and cold. The kids were tired because, once again, I had stayed too long at school, soaking up the conversations with other adults (highly valued these days), and it was almost their nap time. We stood, waving down taxis, for about 10 minutes. Several stopped, but always with another passenger. Do they do that in America? In other Chinese cities? Here, if you tell the driver where you're going and it's in the same direction as the passenger(s) they already have, they'll let you in. Bonus money for them, I suppose. No one was going near our home. Bummer.

So I crossed the street, hopeful for an empty taxi. An empty one means they'll take us straight to our door. One with a passenger means they'll take us to a certain point, then we have to walk 10 minutes.

We waited. And waited. Several stopped, again, no one going in our direction. Then an empty one approached. Malachi and I waved our arms vigorously, letting the driver know we wanted in his car! He zoomed by. A few minutes later, another slew of cars came by. Another empty one passed our waving arms. What in the world?! I may have yelled something like, "Why won't you stop?!" Of course, the boys picked up on it and started yelling random words. Not my greatest Mommy moment. But the frustration was really kicking in.

After a total of 3 empty taxis passed us, finally a dear soul stopped and picked us up. I told him where we wanted to go, then started questioning him. Is it change-over time? Why did several empty taxis pass us? Didn't they see I had 2 young kids and it's freezing outside? He simply replied, "They saw that you're a foreigner and assumed you don't know how to speak Chinese."

And there it was. Another reminder that we'll never fit in this place. Our face prevents that, even if they don't take the time to stop and talk with us.

A great reminder that we're all aliens in this world. Someday we'll all fit in...

The Grove: Together

When I saw the prompt "Together" for VelvetAshes, a picture popped in my head.

Living here in this land of loud everything, no lines, and plans that change in an instant hasn't been easy for me to adjust to. For the first 2.5 years, I only thought of all the negatives of living here. Even when kind people would tell me all the positives, in my head, the negatives ruled.

A major negative: alllllll the things my kids are missing out on. I would make a list, but that would take a long time.

This year, God is slowly changing my heart. I see that the positives outweigh the negatives. Concerning my boys, that's still up for debate. There's just so much I'd rather them see and do in the comforts of America. May God continue to show me how he's molding them into little men after His heart and being here is exactly part of that plan.

I often shed tears over how few friends they have. Since our lives and the lives of those around us are so transient, they barely have time to make a friend. And when they do, we're tearing them apart a year later.

But lately I've been rejoicing in the fact that they have each other. They'll always (Lord-willing!) be together while we're here. They'll become great buds because, well, let's face the facts...no one else will be a constant in their lives. This makes my heart swell with joy and prayer, that they truly will learn to lean on each other through the ups and so-far-downs of living here.

Potty Pants

Lately, Josiah has been holding off going to the bathroom a little too long. One day, I realized he didn't go when he got up in the morning. I realized this at noon. Wow, kid. (Wow, Momma.)

So I've been trying to remind him to go..ya know, to keep his bladder healthy. (He's big on staying healthy. This works great in my explanations of not eating a lot of sugar!) Today, I asked him again. He replied, "No. I'm not doing the potty pants."

Enter hysterical laughter.

Slight misunderstanding. He meant "the potty dance."

And another one that deserves an entry in the I'll-make-it-someday quote book.